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Category: Cynical

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true."

~~Irving Caesar

"I have such poor vision I can date anybody."

~~Garry Shandling

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"It's like watching Pokemon with one eye while someone rubs salt in the other."

~slashdot poster, on poor website design

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"It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune."

~~Woody Allen

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"It is easier to stay out than get out."

~~Mark Twain

"Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience."

~~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbe

"November, n.: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness."

~~Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

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The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool.

~~Jane Wagner

"If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised."

~~Dorothy Parker

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"Blame someone else and get on with your life."

~~Alan Woods

"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch."

~~Orson Wells

"After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi."

~~P.J. O'Rourke

"I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can understand it."

~~Queen Juliana, of the Netherlands

"I am a deeply superficial person."

~~Andy Warhol

"If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off"

~~anon

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"Prudence may be the better part of valor, but valor is rarely the better part of pissing someone off."

~~Steve McReynolds

"The only thing wrong with immortality is that it tends to go on forever."

~~Herb Caen

"the key to motivation broke off in the lock. crap."

~~anon

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"Do you know what hell is like? It is hot! It is uncomfortably hot and humid all of the time. So what do we have? Comfortable bathing suits? Margaritas? NO! Parkas and mittens! Why? Because it's HELL!"

~the devil, from Sluggy Freelance (www.sluggy.com)

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"Some people who yearn for endless life don't know what to do with a rainy afternoon."

~~Harvey H. Potthoff

"What do you despise? By this are you truly known."

~~Manual of MuadDib, from Frank Herbert's *DUNE*

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"Tragedy is me breaking a nail. Comedy is you falling into an open manhole and dying."

~~Mel Brooks

"I knew I lived in the ghetto. Today, I found out that I live in the projects."

~~Della Elswick

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Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

~~Dan Rather

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"Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of."

~~Arthur Dent, from Douglas Adams' *Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy*

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"I am Jack's complete lack of surprise."

~Fight Club

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"... nothing wrong with Southern California that a
rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure."

~~Ross MacDonald

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"I think the world is run by C students."

~~Al McGuire

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"With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn't think possible in today's world. They have created a land of make-believe that's worse than regular life."

~~P. J. O'Rourke

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"Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them."

~~Joseph Heller, *Catch-22*

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"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."

~~Joe Walsh

Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.

~~Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

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"The best way to keep one's word is not to give it."

~~Napoleon Bonaparte

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else."

~~Will Rogers

"They turned the country up on its side, and everything loose fell into California."

~~attrib. Frank Lloyd Wright

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"Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity."

~~Nick Diamos

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"I'd rather be force fed a towel and then have it yanked back out again."

~Natasha, from *V.I.P.*

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"Our response to being bored and rich is not to discard our possessions and live more simply, but to buy more stuff to reduce the space in which we might contemplate our shame."

~Stuart Jeffries, "Robots without a Cause"

"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way."

~~Kurt Vonnegut, *Cat's Cradle*

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"A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day."

~~Calvin

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

~~Ogden Nash

"There's nothing about you that changing yourself completely couldn't fix."

~~That 70's Show

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"the shit hasn't even begun to hit the fan."

~~Incubus, from "Consequence"

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Homer: So I thought to myself, "What would God do in this situation?"
Bart: [chuckles] Locusts! [holds box]They'll drive him _nuts_.
Homer: It's all in the Bible, son: it's the prankster's bible.

~the Simpsons, from "The Two Bad Neighbors"

"There are moments when everything goes well, but don't be frightened, it won't last"

~~Jules Renard

"Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success."

~~Christopher Lasch

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"Life is just a bowl of pits."

~~Rodney Dangerfield

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Quote of the Day

"Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity to be otherwise."

~~Maya Angelou, *I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings*

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