Our privacy policy is simple. We know everything about you. By the time you read this, we already know your height, weight, hair color, eye color, shoe size, cup size, and favorite soft drink. We can tell when you last had a cup of coffee, and whether it was decaf or regular. We know if you are a vegetarian, vegan, carnivore, or you just don't eat meat on Fridays. Through the miracle of modern technology, we've collected a DNA sample which will be compared with Aleph Null's international database of spys, criminals, and vacuum cleaner salesmen. We have already located your children (even the ones you don't know about). In fact, if you thought you had any secrets from us, we've now analyzed your brainwaves, and we know about that, too.

All this information will be used to provide you with valuable promotional offers, including enhancement products for body parts which you, by nature of your gender or through a freak accident, probably don't even have. We even provide safe alternatives to dangerous "natural" supplements like ephedra, with our limited-time specials on mercury fulminate. If you are or ever were considering a second mortgage, debt consolidation, or a low interest car loan, you will also be pleased by our tri-hourly special offers.

Unlike other companies who may sell your information to any company willing to pay the premium price of $0.0007, we will only sell your personal information to reputable companies like the Deposed Nigerian Dictator's Fund, PETA*, and NOWAISLTWFWTFISF**.

Our promotions and privacy policy are governed by our unique opt-out-in policy. Should you ever tire of the relentless marketing barrage, every email contains a link which allows you to believe that you've opted out of our service. In reality, you'll probably get email from us until our business model fails or Congress and the FCC manage to put together an enforceable law that has real teeth to it.

And if you believe all this, please click here for the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to bid on our Brooklyn Bridge Ebay auction.